The Shigure Effect
by Teh Great Hatsuharu
Summary: Ever wonder what goes on inside Shigure's head? Find out. Rated for inappropriate content for some ages. Kudos to x Fade x To x Black x for the idea.
1. Damn That's Kinky!

**Author's Note: **Yay. I was wondering when one of these would come for my darling Shigure. So, I made one myself. Kudos to x Fade x To x Black x for the inspiration. And giving me the courage to write this.

Thank you!

* * *

****

**The Shigure Effect**

**x**

I saw Tohru shaving her moustache.

And I whispered to myself, "I'd hit that."

"Shigure-san?"

-

"Yes, flower?"

"You just said---."

"Yes, my flower, yes I know."

": O"

-

I borrowed Hatori's Western car to go to the lingerie store and peep at some bitches.

Because, that's where the women get together to have sex.

Too bad I was driving from the passenger seat.

-

"Shigure..."

"Yes, Haa-san?"

"You destroyed my car."

-

Damn him.

Ayame pwns.

-

"I heard that, Shigure."

"Oh."

-

Yuki asked for some money to take Tohru out for a date.

I told him you don't need money to have sex in a Froot Loops box.

-

I wub Akito.

-

But she doesn't wub me.

-

So I get pleasure from her sweet ass mommuh.

Hellz yeah.

-

I saw Tohru again, shaving her moustache.

But I encouraged her to keep it.

Because it looks helluh hawt.

-

Mitchan came over again.

Dayumm.

That girl's got it **bad**.

-

I ate corn.

-

Then I farted.

-

But it's okay, we bishounen can fart, but the producers edit it out.

Tohru told me she likes her new moustache.

But it's like, nine thousand times furrier now.

-

Oh well.

-

I'm going to go pleasure up Ren.

-

Just to make Akito sad.

-

I ordered KFC just to piss Kureno off.

The KFC dude looks pretty old.

I wonder if he had man boobs.

-

I wonder...

-

"Hey, Shigure, I want you bad."

"I know you do, Kyou."

That's what I wrote in my diary.

Which is under Kyou's pillow, which is on top of his bed.

-

Damn that's kiiiinkiiie.

-

I asked Hanajima and Uotani if they liked older men.

But they turned me down.

;-;

-

Now I know how Hiro feels, being rejected by a crybaby like Kisa.

-

I tried to switch my pet hamster's brain with Akito's.

But I realized Akito's was too small to even pick up with tweezers.

;-;

-

I watched "Celebrity Makeout Match: Britney Spears and Dakota Fanning" with Yuki.

What a perfect way to spend Friday night.

-

I tripped over a rock.

-

And I made Hatori kiss my boo-boo.

Damn that's kiiiinkiiiie.

**x**


	2. Holy Sweet Assed Mother of Akito!

**Author's Note: **Woah. I updated this after only two days? Just goes to show how bored I am.

**

* * *

**

**x**

Today I've decided that I'm going to become an interpretive dancer.

-

"Shigure, why are you sitting in the sink singing 'Hung Up'?"

"It's interpretive dance, my little darling Yuki."

-

I watched the Hung Up music video the other day.

-

I'm guilty for staring at a fifty year old ass the whole music video.

-

"That's not Madonna's ass, Shigure. That's Ronald McDonald's ass."

"Oh."

-

Whatever.

-

I'm still cool.

Isn't that right, Momiji?

-looks at Momiji's dead corpse.-

Yes Momiji, I know Kisa looks like a chunk of poo, you didn't have to remind me.

-pats the dead corpse.-

-

It's quite convenienent to have a dead corpse to talk to.

Because they never question your authority.

-

"Shigure, stop talking to yourself."

"Quiet Momiji."

"My name's Belinda!"

"QUIET BELINDA!"

-

You kn---HOLY SWEET MOTHER OF AKITO!

Wait. Hold that.

Holy sweet-_assed _mother of Akito.

-

I went to Tohru's school culture fest thing.

-

And I flirted with some girl.

Then it lead to me taking her to a motel.

My lawyer says I shouldn't talk about it...

-

BUT I SWEAR SHE SAID SHE WAS 18!

-

I'm going to feel up Momiji's dead body now.

-

"SHIGURE!"

"Whoops. Sorry Kyou."

**x**


	3. HAHAOMFGLOLLMAONGHAHALUL!

**Author's Note: **I do not own Shigure, but I do own a pair of...

...sneakers.

**

* * *

****x**

rowr.

-

"Tohru, did you ever see the movie 'Gay People Say No'?"

"No."

"HAHAOMFGLOLLMAONGHAHALUL! UR SO GAY!"

"ONG REELY!"

-

She thinks she's so cool, with her 'ONG'.

-

"yo lyke ur such a crazzy beeotch ong y did u tell toru she is gay!11"

"Go away Yuki. You're not cool anymore."

-

Yesterday, I split a line between the house, saying that the side I was on was the 'KOOL' side,

and the other side with Yuki, Kyou, and Tohru was the homosexual side.

-

HAHAOMFGLOLLMAONGHAHALUL.

-

I bet some of you were wondering who the heck Belinda is.

-

Well, I'll tell you.

-

I will.

-

I will...

-

...bang you in the kitchen.

-

HAHAOMFGLOLLMAONGHAHALUL.

-

u akchully beleeved dat i wud bng u in the kitchen!11

-

ONGPUNK'DLOLWTRF.

-

I wanna be in a soap opera.

-

So I can whine about my life, when I'm rich and beautiful.

-

"Akito, can I be in a soap opera?"

"No."

T.T

-

I shot Hiro.

-

But he lived.

-

Now he's 50 Cent's reincarnation.

-

Rin's jelly now because Hiro's the reincarnation of someone kewl.

-

"ONG SHEEGURAY WTF Y IS HIRO DA REINCAR---W/E OF 5O SENT?11"

-

I'm going to erase her name from my 'Who Does Shigure Want to Do Lalaboohonalulu With?" list.

-

hullz yuh.

**x**


	4. Hippo Porn? Oh Yeah!

**Author's Note: **Aiya!

Where the hell have I been?

I dunno.

But Shigure's back.

And ready.

**

* * *

**

**x**

I have naughty dreams about Tohru.

-

I had a dream where once, she was on a horse.

-

And she masturbated everytime someone said 'Justin Timberlake'.

-

Hiro put out his own CD.

-

It's called, "Hoes Got Nothing On This Hot Piece of Danish."

-

Did you know that I, Souma Shigure, created sex?

-

And everyone laid eggs before I created it?

-

Hahaha.

-

"Shigure, you didn't create sex."

"Yes I did."

"No, Christopher Columbus created sex."

"Curse you Christopher Columbus!"

-

Kisa came over because she forgot her backpack.

-

I seriously thought she was a piece of shit.

-

So I scooped her up with a pooper scooper.

-

"SHIGURAY HOLY SHIET Y DA HELL U SCUUPING MEH UP W/ A PUPPER SCUUPER?"

"Because, talking chunk of poo, I don't want any poo on my lawn."

"By the way, how did you know my name?"

0o

-

Then I threw it in the garbage after I lit it on fire.

-

I wonder where Kisa is.

-

GASPE!

-

She must be having naughty dreams about me!

-

-

That's hot.

-

_Really _hot.

-

I got my first role in a movie.

-

It was in the movie _When a Stranger Calls._

_­_-

Guess who I was?

-

The babysitter.

-

I had to get a whole sex change for the part.

-

But it was worth it.

-

And I humped myself in my dressing room.

-

Because, I was a girl.

-

A hot girl.

-

hullz yeah.

-

This morning I put a chocolate chip on the middle of my two pancakes.

-

Then.

-

I put it beside each other.

-

So it looked like a nice pair of...

-

Boobs.

-

"Shigure, you need to go to church."

"Shut up Hatori, I'm not the one who watches Hippo Porn!"

"Shhh! That's our dirty secret!"

"I like cheese."

-

I'm actually interested in Hippo Porn now.

-

It can resemble itself to be pretty hot stuff.

-

Mmm, yes.

**x**


	5. Kim Possible's Boobs Are Pointy

**Author's Note: **

One day, all emos will turn into shampoo bottles.

I warn you all.

**

* * *

**

**x**

I signed up on YIM.

-

And I met this guy.

-

I shall show you a part of our conversation.

-

_yearoftheram200: so wuts ur reel name?_

_thedogthatcanwrite: yo i wanna see u nekkid_

_yearoftheram200: how old u r?_

_thedogthatcanwrite: yo i sed, i wanna see ur p.enis._

_yearoftheram200: holy shiet, shigure its hiro_

_thedogthatcanwrite: o reely? ..._

_yearoftheram200: ew dis wuz so wrung_

_thedogthatcanwrite: soooo...does dis meen i can get ur nekkid picc?_

_yearoftheram200 has signed off_

-

Bitch signed off before I could get his 'nekkid' pic.

-

Anyways.

-

Hatsuharu and I got stuck on an island.

-

And I was thirsty.

-

So I **milked **him.

-

"Ewww, this feels SO wrong!"

"SHUT UP HARU ITS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD! YOU MUST EMBRACE YOUR COW HERITAGE!"

-

Yes, it was a smashing good time.

-

And yes, I did use a British phrase.

-

Smashing.

-

How about a spot of tea, chap?

-

"Shigure, STFU."

"Yeah, well, HDJAFJAD!"

-

Hahahaha.

-

I counterstriked.

-

American cartoons are so weird.

-

They don't have boobs.

-

Did you know Kim Possible has pointy boobs?

-

I swear.

-

They could poke an eye out.

-

Wouldn't wanna do her.

-

No siree.

-

"Shigure, did you just say 'no siree'?"

"BURN IN HELL TOHRU!"

"Do they have brownies in hell?"

-

Damned Tohru.

-

I shall rape her.

-

Nobody shall hear of this plan.

-

Not even Regis Philbin.

-

"I heard your plan."

"SHUT UP REGIS! Go hump Kelly or something."

"I did that years ago, manwhore!"

-

Manwhore...

-

I like the sound of that.

-

"I thought you liked the sound of sex, Shigure?"

"Didn't I say go to hell!"

-

I'm going to go watch Laguna Beach.

-

Whores.

**x**


End file.
